Faithfully Yours, Loki Laufeyson
by Shay Stark and Raven Rogers
Summary: I have no idea what I'm going to say to you in this letter, so I'm just going to write out what's in my head while it's still there. One-sided Thoki. Slash. Set after the Avengers.


**Author's Note: Obviously, I do not own Loki Laufeyson or Thor Odinson, but if I did. . . Mehehe. This is more or less a taste of the Avenger stories I will be writing and posting on this website. Sort of the thing that sets up the basics of what is going to happen. For the record, Eric is an OC of mine, mentioned here, and I lay all claim and rights to him. He'll come up later on. There are hints of slash, so if you do not like that, your best best would be to hit the Go Back arrow. Read and enjoy, darlings. 3**

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Dear Thor,

I have no idea what I'm going to say to you in this letter, so I'm just going to write out what's in my head while it's still there. Eric says letting it all out is the first step to moving on, and since you're there and I'm here, I don't see how else I can handle this situation but to move on. You're probably wondering what situation that is. Probably the one where I nearly destroyed Jotunheim, Asgard, and Midgard. Right? But it's not that. Not entirely. Hopefully, by the time I'm done with this melodramatic piece of garbage, we'll both understand exactly what is wrong with me.

First of all, we are not brothers. Get that through your mind now. My father is Laufey, former king of Jotunheim. Not Odin. Not the king of Asgard. Not your precious father who always favored you over me, but I suppose I can no longer blame him for that. I was never his son. I was always the son of a monster, always just a touch of magic away from being the cold-skinned, red-eyed creature we were raised to hate. Did you ever realize that? We were raised to hate the Frost Giants, but when the time came to fight them, we did not even question what we were doing. Why we were doing it. We simply did. I snuck them into Asgard, and when you were denied your right as king, you lost it. You wanted to storm right into their realm and kill every one of them, and you nearly did.

Did you know it was on that night that I first saw what I was? One of them grabbed my arm, and my skin bled blue, then faded back when the thing let go of me. But I saw. I knew. I was not like you. But I had always known that. Not like you. The golden son. The future king. The boy who could do no wrong until he spoke out against Odin. He banished you. I tried to speak in your defense, and he would not let me. But then, I was the one who told Heimdall where we were going. I did not want to get you in trouble. I simply did not want to die. Did you even fathom how dangerous storming into Jotunheim could be? We could have all died. We were going to, had Father- Odin not stormed in at the last second to save us. But you just ignored how much he cared about us and assumed you knew best. You always assumed you knew best, and you never did.

Once you were gone, I crept down into the weapons room and picked up the Casket, and my skin bled blue again. It always does from contact with a Frost Giant or contact with the Casket. And Odin told me the truth. That I was the son of Laufey, left to die because he was small and weak compared to the other Frost Giants. I was thrown away, Thor. Did you even understand that? Thrown away. Like garbage. Useless refuse. But he decided he would raise me as his own simply so I could take over Jotunheim and hand the reigns of power over to him. Can you even begin to believe how horrifying it is to find out you serve no purpose other than to serve someone else's wishes? But of course not. You were always in control. Had to be, didn't you? Because without control, you had nothing.

You have no idea what it was like. One moment, I am worried for my brother, concerned I may lose him forever, and then I find out the truth. I have no brother. My father did not want me. My people did not know I exist, and if they did, they did not care. No one ever came to bring me back to Jotunheim. No one gave a damn about me. Odin only brought me back to Asgard so he could raise me to take over Jotunheim. Do you understand that, brother? Do you understand? He wanted me only to fix the problem he had caused. Had I any dreams of my own that did not involve following in your footsteps, I would have been forced to surrender them. Thankfully, I did not. Not until later, that was.

I only ever wanted to be your equal. To be viewed as the same, and not by the rest of Asgard. By you. You always looked down on me. Always treated me like I was less than you, and you only cared for me when it was convenient for you to do so. You used me for my magic and my silver tongue, used me to make up excuses for your poor behavior or to aid you in some task you could not do yourself. But where were you when I needed you, Thor? Where were you when I needed someone to help me?

Ever since I was a boy, I knew we were different. Knew we were not brothers. How could we be? There was you. Golden, perfect, brave, strong. You took every challenge offered with relish because you knew you would succeed, even if you had to use me to do it. But then there was me. Dark, flawed, cowardly, weak. I was a shadow, but your light bled into the land, and there was no room for shadows like me. I knew that. Even as a child, I knew that. How could we be from the same parents and be so different? Everyone noticed. Everyone saw. And I would sit and wonder about where my true parents were and why they did not want me. I wished they would come and take me back to whatever realm I had come from, but no one ever came for me.

I used to sit in the gardens and cry, out of sight from the rest of society, tucked away from the world. Not that anyone ever looked for me. You could have. You could have cared, but you never did. I used to skip dinner two, three, maybe four times a week, and you never came to look for me. No one did. Am I supposed to believe no one noticed the young prince missing from the table so often? But I sat in the garden and cried and wished someone would come comfort me, but no one came, and I remained alone. And I realized it was better that way because I was falling in love with you.

Every time I used to think about you, I would have these impure thoughts, and then I would have to run away from you and Sif and the Warriors Three and hide until they were over. Because my body always reacted to them, and I was terrified you would see and ask me what I was thinking about to excite me so, and I was afraid I would say out loud what I was thinking, and that would be it. Odin would find out, and he would cast me away from you. And even though I knew I needed to get away from you, I didn't want to. Because I loved you so, and by letting you use me to your advantage and cast me away, I could make you happy. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I had, and I was working with it. But then you were gone, and I was the monster, and what could I do?

I had to destroy every trace of my path, and there was only one way to do that. I lured Laufey into Asgard and killed him. The father that never wanted me. The beast that wanted to kill us all. So I killed him. I killed him in Odin's name and in mine, and I took my vengeance on him for never loving me, small and weak as I was. Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what disadvantage they are cursed with, but he did not. And then I was going to destroy Jotunheim. Destroy the realm of beings who would have called for my blood without ever knowing I was one of them. They didn't care. No one cared. But I would make them care, and they would remember my name throughout all Nine Realms as the one who destroyed Jotunheim and brought peace. It would have brought peace, I believe, but I will never find out if my plan worked.

When I came here, I wanted to kill her. Your woman. Your precious Jane Foster. How could you love her? She is even weaker, even softer than me. But you fell for her. Swore you would return for her, bring her to Asgard. But when I had the chance, I faltered. I could not kill her because you loved her. But I would own her. I would own every human on this wretched planet, and you would have to ask me to come, and I could permit you to and make you happy. I could be the source of your joy, if only for a brief second. And these mortals truly are wretched, far crueler and more vicious than even you at your worst. It is one thing Eric has taught me since I have come to live in his dwelling. Humans have a talent for torture and pain, and I could have stopped it. But, as we both know, that did not work, either.

My love for you has ruined me, Thor. It has corrupted everything in me and left me numb. Tore through me with claws of cold steel until I could no longer breathe, and then it drew my heart out and shredded it. Left me bleeding, raw and alone, and no one cared. But the mortals I am currently living with do care. That's why Eric pushed me to write you this letter. To tell you the truth. Because he cares, and he says in order for me to put my past behind me and truly live what is left of my life, I have to let you know how I feel.

I still love you. From the moment I first realized it when I was a child, through all of the pain and suffering, to now. To this moment. When you are in Asgard and I am in Midgard. And it shall remain that way. Tell Odin I am sorry. But Midgard is now my home, and I do not wish to leave it. S.H.I.E.L.D. has provided me with an identity I am to use on this planet. I can stay. The Avengers even spoke in my defense, claiming I could not heal myself inside unless I had a steady, safe home to find comfort in. I have that, now. Eric's home is large enough for all of us. Here, I will find all of the comfort, shelter, and love I need. Love, Thor. The one thing I have been searching for and have never found. The one thing I have always desired and never had.

That is all, I suppose. All I have to say to you. I wish you luck in whatever path you choose for yourself, and if ours should so happen to cross, please do not bring this letter up. Do not bring up my desperation and pain. If you should so desire so pursue me and discuss a possible relationship, which I doubt, you may do so. I would be willing to speak to you. But if you only wish to hurt me, or to convince me to return to Asgard and the punishment that is awaiting me, then please leave me be. Leave me to the life I will make here, the love I will find, the peace I hope will grow inside myself. I am done with power. I am done with pursuing thrones I do not want and do not need. I am done, Thor. Done. And I am tired. So very tired. So, please. Leave me alone unless you want to help me. I do not have room in my life for anyone else.

Faithfully yours,

Loki Laufeyson


End file.
